I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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