I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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