i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
if only i could text you this smell
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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