My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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