Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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