I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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