Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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