The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
