Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
