all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
