Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
