I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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