Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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