then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
did i just pee glitter
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
