i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
