I can text with my tongue
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
