Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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