You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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