Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
