i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
