i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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