he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
