Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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