you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
