I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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