I wish I only lived at night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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