I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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