Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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