2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
