I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
