Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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