I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
