what if every blade of grass was a penis?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
