So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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