Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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