oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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