i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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