someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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