DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
it's like heaven, but drunker
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
