by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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