I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
