Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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