I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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