You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
