He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize