I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
