Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
