why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
