Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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