she told me i tasted like america
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It's never too late to be topless.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
