if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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