My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
