Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Randomize
