Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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