finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
How external is "for external use only"?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize