Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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