Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize