There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
There are leaves in my underwear?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
