i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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