Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
